rachel denise harlow

WD40: Time to bust out the rusty blog skills, yo.

2010-01-29T11:51:00.000-08:00

Let it be known: This is an act of love. This is for the good of the community. This, my friends, is for Mosaic.

I'm way out of practice. Normally my thoughts go into my journal in lovely printed handwriting or into an email for Ash, not out to the masses. I'm not even sure what my philosophy is on the ever-decreasing privacy of our lives and identities in this age of worldwide webbing, guys, but you know what? My great-grandpa complained about every single newfangled installment of forward-thinking and efficiency until the day he died, so I'm just going to get over it. Welcome to my life.

So it's 2:00 on a Friday afternoon; the Nashville heavens have opened and dumped all their leftover Christmas fluff on our streets, so there's a 20-car pile-up on I-24 (God have mercy--and forgive me for laughing! Ah, but it didn't register in my mind as something that probably harmed a lot of people; instead I got a cartoon reel of the Toyota version of Jacob's ladder in my imagination. Wow). Anyway, I'm cozy in Emily's living room with Mol and JT, working on Mosaic stuff, glad that my babysitting gig was cancelled today.

Yesterday brought with it some crazy, exciting news via Ash Harris, and his response to such news was as follows: Life gives you lemons; make lemonade. What do you do when life gives you lemonade?

Have a party, of course, and share the lemonade with everyone.

The brilliant mind that brought you 1C13.org, ladies and gentlemen, is now preparing for project number numero dos: freelemonade.org. Stay tuned.

Happy weekend, gang.

my salvation lies in your love.

2008-05-20T08:58:00.000-07:00

it's nearly 1 am on...thursday morning, i suppose. corrine left just a bit ago; a bunch of us girls spent the night watching "juno" and painting bottles. it's funny--aubri and i met corrine our very first week in birmingham. i saw a poster in the soak for an open mic night, so we went, just the two of us, and early enough to grab a tall table. some girls were standing nearby with drinks, listening, and i said, "hey, do you guys want to set your drinks on our table?" and we talked all evening. funny how friendships happen.

(oh, but they don't actually just happen. i felt really nervous right before i intruded on their conversation, and again when i said, "well, maybe we could hang out sometime?" and got phone numbers. hmm. what a really cool person i almost missed out on knowing.)

the boys were in the other room playing poker, being loud, being boys. they're still downstairs, actually, and it's a pretty nice sound. comforting. family.

matt and tom were here all day, recording (as we have been, in the cafe with socks over the microphones and various other creative recording techniques). i'll direct you again to the myspace :) ... myspace.com/transatlanticmusic
you'll find an incredible version of "halleluia" (jeff buckley's arrangement, which is one i heard tom play on the night i met him back in january) and "one more hour" (a fantastic new song of matt's, with tom on mandolin!), and i think tomorrow "i can't swim" should be up (tom's song; they've got to finish production on it).

this picture is from a week or so ago, when i came back from a good chat with natalie for a band practice and found the matt teaching tom his new song while they waited for me outside the door. you'll see that the royal orchid has a nice new facelift (i'm pretty sure it hasn't improved the quality of their indian-thai-chinese cuisine).

tomorrow night (or tonight, rather) is transatlantic's last gig. at least...for awhile. i make no guarantees that i'll hold it together, since every night i do something like write this blog instead of sleep. i figure i'll sleep in a week, right? there are people i love to be with. family.

well...i turned twenty-one on may 15th. that's pretty odd. i've never felt so special or honored as i did that birthday week.

it began with an overnight trip to manchester--helen's hometown. very cool city, and i got to meet her best friends and parents. AND, we saw my favourite band in the world in a perfect, intimate venue that night; best concert i've ever been to, easy. iron and wine. completely stunning. he has a song called "passing afternoon" that i passed along to helen awhile ago....earlier that day, she was telling me about how her mom used to sing hymns to her when she was little. we both noticed, for the first time, a line in that song that says: "and she's chosen to believe in the hymns her mother sings." i think it appeared for helen. i painted it on a bottle and brought it to her house on monday.

thursday, the day of my actual birthday, i went on a walk by myself. on the way, i encountered a cat, blind in one eye. not long following, i saw a dog, lame in one foot, almost get hit by a car running across the street. i thought: ok. this is weird. more on that later.
that night a group of us went to the jam house and had a great time.

saturday, the day of the party, i turned into john lennon and had an amazing night. a ton of people turned up in impressive costume: morrissey, brunel, mary poppins, sherlock holmes, devvo the chav (youtube it if you're actually curious), beckham and victoria/posh, the beatles, of course, ect. ash and the gang put the whole party together. made/bought a ton of food. we set up instruments in the front hang room and spent the entire night trading off playing music, laughing, eating, just being us. and at some point around 2am, i think, the lights were low, and people were all sitting around talking about how they've just never experienced community like this before. i know i haven't. but this is exactly what we dreamed of 5 months ago (years ago, for natalie and the rest of the big team). this is what life is supposed to be like. family.

chris took a turn on the guitar and played us a song he'd written for me, aubri, josh, and patrick, and gave me permission to share it with you guys on here. i think it goes without saying just how much it meant. here it is:

"knowing that it had to end made it all slip by so fast/ appreciate these seasons that are never meant to last/ For movie nights and always giving me someplace to go/ from Easter to the time we climbed the mountain in the snow/ From jamming in my living room singing to me about Cain/ to running round like idiots on the courts in pouring rain

"i only hope you know that i'm sincere/ you'll always have a home here/ even when you go, oceans between us don't mean a thing

"for every open door and a seat on frederick's floor (*that's what we named the front room to differentiate from the cafe)/ nights in the cafe room, i'm sure they made sense somehow/ For every time that i just couldn't say goodbye/ and stayed 'til 4 am, you can go to sleep now/ Rest your weary head...what more could be said?/ a simple 'thank you' wouldn't be enough/ things won't be the same once you've gone away

"i only hope you know that i'm sincere/ you'll always have a home here/ even when you go, oceans between us don't mean a thing"

the reason i came to england was to help build a place where community could happen because i believe it's how God intended for us to live: in love. the funny part is, i usually forget that i need community even when i'm working to build it. i fall, along with every other human being, for the lie that i am self-sufficient...and really, i'm mostly fine that way. i'm pretty alright alone. i'm kind of like the one-eyed, three-legged animals i saw on my birthday, creepy as that sounds; almost complete...but not quite.

perfect love lays down his life for his friends.

how can i know anything about that love when i'm not even willing to give up an evening to get to know somebody?

when i choose to obey God, i realize that, all along, the reason He was saying, "Forget about your own needs for awhile. Forget about your precious agenda. Hang out on somebody else's terms and open up yourself to them" --was really because He was giving me the chance to be more fully human. i'm remembering this south african word i learned exactly a year ago: ubuntu. "without each other, we are only half."

england, i love you so fully and sincerely. english friends, you are a part of me forever and i, you. american friends...likewise.

God...thank you for loving me first, so seemingly irrationally, and patiently teaching me to do the same. i love you with everything that is in me.

and with that, i say goodnight.

my mom is fantastic.

2008-05-10T17:34:00.001-07:00

that's a book she used to read us.

want to know why our mum is so fantastic? regardless, we're gonna tell you.

*she makes things special. birthdays, achievements, important days, she pulls out the special plate (that she made once upon a time) and finds a way to celebrate us. she leaves us without doubt about the fact that she is proud of us.

*she is honest. which demonstrates a level of respect and courtesy she didn't have to extend to us, especially as younger kids, but she tried to give us an understand of what was going on and didn't cover up or cop out of a difficult answer.

*she came and sat on the edge of the bed and said, "i'm sorry. will you forgive me?" arguments didn't go unresolved. she lived out Jesus' teachings and apologized when she felt she had lost her temper. she was our first and best example of Christ's love.

*she gets up in the morning and spends time with God. she fights for her family in prayer.

*she makes (sometimes goofy) family traditions a priority. we make memories together.

*she always says "i love you." always. always.

*she follows God when it is hard. she stepped into a "temporary" position as worship leader years and years ago when she hadn't trained for it or planned on it, and God used her in awesome ways to lead a church family to a deeper level of connecting with Him and a worship team to a higher level of excellence...always insisting that God deserves absolutely no less. (she endured midi drums and slide shows and singing in the back room with me for a special music to this dramatic series of scenes for which my babysitter had acted in our living room...ha, remember?)

*she respects her husband praises him to us, instilling in us a respect for our dad. she respects and loves her parents from far away, hence i am across the atlantic now doing the same thing.

*she loves God with all her heart, soul, mind, and strength.

*she loves rachel, lauren, and becca unconditionally...and they love her so much right back.

rubbish. (me, currently.)

2008-05-07T08:57:00.000-07:00

patrick and josh got on a plane at 3:30 this morning, at which point the last of the friends that had come over to spend one final night with them went home themselves. i have really grown to love those boys...and consequently i am feeling pretty out-of-sorts today, to put it mildly. how blessed am i to have them and aubri and nathan and natalie and robert and kevin and leah for family now. i wouldn't wish this semester to go on forever; that wouldn't be right, obviously. but when you pour your heart into something together...when others see you at your weakest, your most stressed moments, your ecstatic ones, your thankful ones...well, this is what community is supposed to look like. this is what God had in mind for us. and it's really scary, because i've opened myself up to people and now i am hurting. but it'll be okay. and i never really have to say goodbye for good.

kevin, leah, and nathan are all back from an international globalscope conference in georgia, so things don't feel too empty and we'll get back into a rhythm for these last three weeks.

in a few days, i'll go stay with helen's family in manchester and see iron and wine. following thursday is my birthday...i think plans for a jazz club are in the works...and ash and company have taken it upon themselves to host a party (at canvas) the following saturday. england-themed. i think i've decided to go as john lennon.

in other words...three weeks will be gone long before i'm ready.

i have some specific things i'm really praying for these last few weeks if you would join me without me writing about them. God knows. just like i have grown to love my team, i have grown to love more than i can put into words the friends i've made here. they are absolutely amazing people.

i can tell you that in everything i say and do, i want God to get the attention, the glory, the thanks, because more than all of the blessings He's poured into my life, God Himself is the goal of my life, and His favor and perfect love i desire more than any person's approval or affection.

sometimes i forget that this is true and i don't live like it. will you please pray for a strength and boldness and compassion that is not my own for these final weeks in birmingham?

(thank you, wonderful family. i am overwhelmed by you and love you so much. and i am coming home to you soon!)

fools

2008-05-03T08:23:00.000-07:00

out of all the corners in the world,

i really love england with both my necessarily rational heart

and my silly childlike heart.

these pictures are from carlisle. mid-march, i think....this is laura neal. aubri and i stayed with her family up in north england and saw a bit of the lake district.

this is the carlisle cathedral on the left, where laura sang in a choir as a little girl. in the pic, aubri is lighting a candle and my camera happened to catch the moment of fire transition right in front of laura. (i think the Holy Spirit is in this picture too.)

hello paris. i am on top of the eiffel tower with the arc de triomphe still glowing in the background. (just thinking...the eiffel tower really isn't a whole lot more beautiful than the fragments of jumbled foreign conversations that went on around me and jessie while we laughed in line to get to the top...or the fact that jessie--my nash housemate from last fall--and i were together in france...or the fact that in one month, i will eat steak in the backyard with my family...just saying.)

left: jessie and i went to a performance of the mozart requiem in saint germaine, the oldest church in paris. this is why i think people can be so close to God without even knowing it--because every voice in that choir, every chair in the chamber orchestra, in fact, was. (below: some parisian graffiti.)

leg two of the france adventure: angers. here, in front of IT'S cathedral, the evening of my arrival when devon and i went traipsing about beneath the sunset. (i may be wrong, but i think a town only is one if it has a cathedral of some sort. marked a center for life activity once upon a time.)

below: transatlantic gigs in london! bottom right is a pic of us recording "out of eden" in a guest room at tom's parent's house.

and THIS, my friends, is ireland.

i remember that i had to stand someplace so beautiful in order to take the picture, so it can't just be a daydream.

patrick and josh are leaving on wednesday. i do not know how to put half of a lid on this semester...beginning the goodbyes, but not actually preparing to leave myself for another 20 days following. i will cry. the house will feel a little empty and i'll look at my english friends a little more closely because i am vicariously experiencing the boys' plane flight home. and i'll have to figure out where to store the emotions that belong to my england life, because i may be back here someday, but it'll be a different adventure than the one i'm on now.

praise God with me that He doesn't change. if nothing else in my life is ever consistent, His love is. and if it were easy, why, i'm pretty sure the tools wouldn't be sharp enough to fashion me into the holy person He wants me to be.

my time here isn't up. please pray hard with me for God to have His way this final month through me. and here are some brilliant words from frederick buechner:

"Inspection stickers used to have printed on the back, 'Drive carefully--the life you save may be your own.' That is worldly wisdom in a nutshell.

What God says, on the other hand, is 'The life you save may be the life you lose.' In other words, the life you clutch, hoard, guard, and play safe with is in the end a life worth little to anybody, including yourself, and only a life given away for love's sake is a life worth living, To bring his point home, God shows us a man who gave his life away to the extent of dying a national disgrace without a penny in the bank or a friend to his name. In terms of human wisdom, he was a Perfect Fool. And if you think you can follow him without making something like the same kind of a fool of yourself, you are laboring under not a cross but a delusion,

There are two kinds of fools in the world: damned fools, and what Saint Paul calls 'fools for Christ's sake' (1 Cor. 4:10)."

may i be counted such a fool for You.

a picture's worth a thousand words. so...here's mine.

2008-05-02T17:37:00.000-07:00

[the bottom of the compass points to the number 139.]

oh Lord, you have searched me and you know me. you know when i sit and when i rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. you discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, oh Lord.

you hem me in--behind and before. you have laid your hand upon me. such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

where can i go from your Spirit? where can i flee from your presence?
if i go up to the heavens, you are there. if i make my bed in the depths, you are there. if i rise on the wings of the dawn, even if i settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

if i say, "surely the darkness will hide me, and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you. the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

for you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. i praise you because i am fearfully and wonderfully made. your works are wonderful--i know that full well. my frame was not hidden from you when i was made in the secret place; when i was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.

how precious concerning me are your thoughts, oh God! how vast is the sum of them! were i to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. when i awake, i am still with you.

*if only you would slay the wicked, oh God! away from me, you bloodthirsty men! they speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name. do i not hate those who hate you, oh Lord, and abhor those who rise up against you? i have nothing but hatred for them; i count them my enemies.

search me, oh God, and know my heart. test me and know my anxious thoughts. see if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

psalm 139.

[*i used to always forget the existence of this harsh paragraph, and every time i'd happen upon it i was really bothered and confused by it. there are plenty of other historical, circumstantial, ect. factors to take into account when considering a person's poetry, which this is (in addition to being part of God's divinely inspired word for us)....however, recently God used this particular section to ask me whether i'm as protective of him as he is of me, as the entire rest of the psalm indicates? i'd speak as quickly if someone dared threaten a sister. just a thought.]

Holidays

2008-04-17T09:54:00.000-07:00

Guys, my computer is really ill. Sorry for the lack of updates. Here are the cliffnotes:

After Easter, things didn't die down as much as we expected. Nights are still spent hanging out with whatever friends happen to be in town.

Saturday, March 29th: Aubri and I took the train north to Carlisle to visit our friend Laura, who is a second-year sociology student at Uni. Her boyfriend has become good friends with Patrick and Josh (they went to visit him in York recently); that's how we met her initially. She'd been asking us to come and stay with her family, so we booked our ride and spent a stunning four hours travelling through English countryside. Her beautiful little town is on the north side of the lake district, near the border of Scotland. Her mom made us shephard's pie; we spent the night and saw a bit of the lake district on Sunday. She already has plans to come and visit us in the states next spring. (Pray for our Laura.)

Tuesday, April 1: Late afternoon, the doorbell rings. It's our friend Pete. Kevin and Leah had called earlier to let us know Pete's apartment had been broken into the night before, and K and L went over to help clean up. I wasn't exactly sure why he was here at the Canvas house (the boys were all in York), but played like I did and set Pete up with some tea and bread-and-butter pudding I had made with friends really early that morning after staying up all night. I guess he just wanted a refuge. His place was a wreck; lots of things were stolen. The boys came home late that night and Pete was crashed out on the couch (he and Aub and I watched "Indiana Jones"); we let him stay the night.

Turns out, as Aubri finds out when she's on facebook later, while Pete was sitting in our living room on a laptop that afternoon, he took "athiest" off of his facebook profile. Didn't say anything about it, just removed it. Interesting. Unbelievably exciting, actually. God is definitely at work. (Pray for our Pete.)

Thursday, April 3: I board a flight to Paris and arrive, not exactly certain what to do from that point. I don't speak a word of french. Phones finally work and I hook up with my friend Jessie who's currently living with a family in Paris. That night I see the eiffel tower in lights.

Friday, April 4: I board a train to Angers to stay the weekend with my dear friend Devon. Have such an amazing time catching up and an unexpected conversation about God with her friend Jeremy. Life is so empty without Him! I feel it more and more, the more I see of Europe. (Pray for Jeremy.)

Monday, April 7: Back in Paris with Jessie. All the sights. Lots of bread, wine, and paninis. Ohh goodness.

Wednesday, April 9: ...Is it strange that flying back over England felt so comforting and good?

Friday, April 11: Aubri, Josh, Patrick and I get on an early train to London. We tour Westminster and see the sights; next day, Laura joins them to spend the rest of the weekend and I leave to spend the rest of the weekend with Tom and Matt (the band) at Tom's family's house in the suburbs of London. They are so sweet to us; Tom had a sister my age, Kate, who will be in the states this summer, and I'm trying to convince her to come through Nashville and stay with me. It occurs to me while I'm there with the Leechs that if God moves in the hearts of our friends, He can move in their families as well. I believe in the awakening power of your Holy Spirit, God.

We work music nonstop and play a gig in Soho on Sunday night. Here's the best part: the guys overheard me playing a song to myself called "Out of Eden" that I wrote last semester. They were sold. We learned it, played it at the gig, spent all day Monday recording it...and it is, without question, a love song from God. These awesome guys are instruments of God as they sing and don't even know the weight of it (though they definitely know what the song is about).

Go to myspace.com/transatlanticmusic, listen to "Out of Eden," and be sure and read the lyrics. You'll get it.

Last night, I went with Helen and Suzi to the Yardbird to hear some bands. There have been some deaths lately, affecting different people, and Helen and I ended up talking about it quite a bit.

I have nothing wise to say. I need God's Spirit so much; I need Him woven into all these friendships and moments. Whenever it comes to mind, please ask Him with me so that walls can be broken down. I can't pretend not to care about these people. If I love them so much after only three and a half months...how badly does God want to be reunited with them? I believe in the strength of His love to cut through the droning background noise of tasks. Can't help it. He allows me to see the world in color.

I miss you all.

Candid Canvas

2008-03-24T08:23:00.000-07:00

<-au-oo-bri
(the brits can't say it)

j-gaz->
(and the new mohawk)

<-p-bone
(posing is a serious business)

chello->
(caught reading steinbeck)

those are our superhero names, of course. top secret.

some snapshots of this last week:

thursday

taking the smelly out of selly:

clean-up day, the sequel

robert hits the jackpot.

thursday night
vodbull
(joy of my life)

(just kidding)

friday night
the night we've all been anticipating,

the explosive culmination of everything we've been working for this semester, the moment of truth...

we are canvas.

(helen and i)

(transatlantic...my multitasking skills put to the test)

(wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for

the LORD. psalm 27:14)

He is risen. (He is risen indeed.)

2008-03-24T04:26:00.000-07:00

So let me tell you how Aubri and I tried to make Easter special. Little team (Josh, Patrick, Aubri, me) was on our own; big team (Natalie, Robert, Kevin, Leah, Nathan) made their own plans and we didn't see them all weekend after the party.
.

Aubri thought to make Easter baskets for the boys, so she and I bought some Cadbury chocolate and random toys and made...well, Easter pots, actually. (Who has money for baskets?) We made them for each other too; planted them outside our door Sunday morning, went and planted the boys', and came back and pretended to be surprised.

I took dinner up on my own; bought groceries and did most of the prep work on Saturday. So I was a little daunted, being in charge of a holiday meal for the first time...especially having to use ovens that don't have temperature indicators and needing onlineconversion.com (millileters to cups) during the whole cooking process. I danced in Sainsbury's when I actually found french fried onion rings after scouring the store twice over. The meal: grilled chicken breasts, fried potatoes, green bean casserole (with fresh green beans!), and strawberry-spinach salad. The plan: eat together mid-afternoon and watch Narnia later on. Even though the ovens made it complete guesswork, it was amazingly successful! But more on that later.

The four of us plus Joel (a friend of theirs from Georgia) and Sarah(Josh's girlfriend; she missed her flight that morning) went to Pavilion, our home church, Sunday morning. It takes an hour to get there after walking to Selly Oak train station (speedwalking through 30 degree wind), taking the train to King's Norton, walking around to the church, ect, but this church family has been so welcoming to our whole team. It was good to worship God together!

A woman recruited me last-minute to help serve communion...family-style; I had no idea what I was doing. Luckily I got the wine glass, so I heard the bread boy say "The body of Christ, broken for you" and that was all the cue I needed. :) Actually, it was incredibly special to have the privilege of serving communion. Thank you, Jesus, for that symbolism that connects us with each other and with you. How precious it is! Aubri had told me about a really meaningful time she experienced communion a couple years ago in her campus ministry on Easter, so when it was her turn I changed the script to repeat the words she remembers from that day:

He is risen.

She smiled back. (He is risen indeed.)

Now we get to the point of this long-winded telling. The six of us take the train back to Selly Oak and, naturally, in this five-minute window in this deserted student neighborhood, we run into our friend Ben. Unexpected? Yes. Coincidence? No way. We invite him over for dinner.

I run over to Tesco (our handy petrol station/corner market next door) and buy two big packs of rolls and get to cooking. Aubri picks up some unflavored gelatin and cream to make her own cool-whip (which doesn't exist here) and sets about making dessert. Ben calls--can Chris come too? The five people I was planning on cooking for have turned into eight.

Can I be honest? At this point, I'm thinking- I just wanted the four of us to have a day off! Be on our own; try and make this day special since we're obviously missing home a little; celebrate God and what He's done here. And- okay, how is this going to be enough food??

We cleaned up the cafe room and all sat down to eat together. Aubri had a piece of leftover chicken she had in the fridge so the others each had one and everybody ate plenty. No twelve basketfuls leftover or anything, but I'm inclined to think that God multiplied our food (and made it good, because it was wonderful, and I'm no pro).

Best of all...we just sat around the table together. It's a picture that will never be erased from my mind's eye, the eight of us sitting around talking and laughing...being a family.

Aubri and I stood in the kitchen with the space heater listening to Iron and Wine after cleaning up the dishes. "How do you think we'll tell this story?" "Years down the road, talking about the Easter in England...about Easter pots and no cool-whip..." (About how beautiful Jesus is. About how privileged we are to serve Him here right now. About how we're lost without Him and that's why we can never turn anyone away from our door.) And we just stood with coffee in hand while the heater tried to sweep some of the cold from under our feet, understanding deeply and storing the understanding away for later recollection.

We joined the boys in the front room to catch the end of the football game. Ben had to leave at that point, but Chris stayed to watch Narnia with us. My favorite line comes at the end of the movie when Tumnas says to Lucy: "After all, He is not a tame lion." She replies: "No...but He is good." It's at that point that two girls from Globalscope Spain arrive (more houseguests!!) and things get chaotic, so I make Patrick rewind it and play that part again, thinking out loud that it's my favorite description of God. What a movie.
.

Chaos resumes at the credits as people are hugging, making introductions, being loud and excited, and somehow in the middle of that Chris and I end up in the kitchen talking about God. Really talking. And he remarks at some point: "You know, I said to Ben earlier...it was actually really cool to spend Easter with people for whom it means something more than chocolate eggs."

What can you say to that?

Late that night...Aubri and I are sitting on my bed; I've been crying a little bit, stressed and tired from the week, missing home, feeling a little abandoned by the big team. But she brings it home for me. Because whatever our plans were for the day, they couldn't hold a candle to what God had in mind. Because what we're celebrating on Easter is actually a sacrifice that sets the example for our whole lives. Because love is someth ing that makes people the primary agenda and lets everything else go; it gets under our skin and makes us want to pull another chair up to the table and wash dishes for hours after a house party and sit on the floor so somebody can have the spot on the couch.

Love died in my place and makes me alive inside.

He is risen indeed.

(Happy Easter.)

i just love God. that is all.

2008-03-18T13:51:00.000-07:00

And this is the week. The insane final week of term. Good Friday is the last day of lectures and our massive party (pray!!), and then a lot of people head home for five weeks or so to do the studying they've not done all term and write massive papers. Exams begin in May.

As I'm writing, the guys are downstairs playing poker. It's officially a weekly event, I guess, so pretty soon all that testosterone will drive me out of the house and to the Bristol Pear to hear some bands and see some friends.

Things have been a little packed and crazy for me the past five days, and really, it's kind of amusing--this is the life I/we live all the time in the States, and for some reason everybody's okay with it. Not so here. I've had some breathing room, some serious relationship time, and it was definitely a shock to have even a couple of days with back-to-back responsibilities and plans. It doesn't help, I guess, that last week I went to bed pretty consistently around 3 am.

So I'm a little frayed around the edges.

But this morning, little team met with Natalie and we spent some time talking through the story in Acts about Philip and the Ethiopian eunuch. Listening to the Holy Spirit. Dang. There's just no way that wasn't an awkward way to start a conversation! Really--run alongside his chariot? This prestigious government official?

But that's all he had to do. The eunuch had the questions already, he just needed somewhere to direct them. "How can I understand unless someone explains it to me?"

So one final push this week; we're all shot, and we've got a lot of house guests this week, which makes things even more chaotic. But I want to listen to the Holy Spirit and run alongside the chariot. God will make the impression and open the doors if I'm available and obedient.

By the way...I couldn't have foreseen the amazing friendships that would unfold after only two months. There are people in my life now that will never be out of it, and I love them like crazy. Really talented, driven, goofy, wonderful people. Pray for them. Please. Because I love them and don't know how many people are going to God on their behalf.

My friend Helen tells me that I have "an infectious lust for life."

How could I not? (And how cool that she thinks so!) I have all the love in the universe listening patiently to me ramble and pouring into me (and going to the cross on my behalf...thanks, Jesus, if the word doesn't sound too trivial).

I just want that for everybody.

But wow, need prayer this week. And it's reciprocated--I know you guys are in a whirlwind of your own. I love you so much.

i thank you God for most this amazing day

2008-03-07T08:40:00.000-08:00

It's an e. e. cummings poem.

Here's a pic taken on just such a day, at a Selly park. I was never very good at monkey bars.

I'm sitting in our cafe room, drinking decaf coffee and listening to the Weepies, staring out the window onto Bristol traffic and sunshine. It's five in the afternoon. Thoughtful.

Last night was amazing...a time to go down in Canvas history and pull out when things are discouraging. We all went to the Soak, and at some point I stepped back and realized that, between us, we knew most of the people in the pub. The usual music crowd, the CS guys, Patrick's surfer friends were there playing pool, some students Nat and Robert are friends with, and some randoms we met as the night went on. The place was packed. My good friend Jessie (and housemate from last fall) has been here a couple days on her way to live in France for awhile, which was SO great, and she took all the rest of these awesome pics. Transatlantic played at half ten; we did eight songs (a couple of mine, too) mid-open mic and drew everybody together. Really, really good set! Great reactions, as usual. I've never had so much fun.

Well, a couple of Robert's friends were there; they work at a radio station and asked us to play live next week, so that's on the calender, as well as hopefully a gig at the Gild on campus, which would be a completely new crowd of students from what we're used to.

The amazing thing is that this seems to be the connecting link between all our groups. Everyone comes together to hang out at open mic. We've been brainstorming about an end-of-term party to throw before Easter, and we've decided to try to rent out upstairs in the Pear--have TA play a couple hours, there's a bar up there, then get on the mic and invite everyone back to the house for free food. Please pray that this works. :)

Other things to fill you guys in on:

-A couple weeks ago Saturday we picked up trash around Selly Oak. We'll do it again in a couple weeks and invite people we think would care about that kind of thing...and, of course, just show the community that we care.

-Last Tuesday night about 15 guys (including ours) were here to play poker. The hallway smelled like man all night...but despite this, it was awesome. Guys met each other from different groups, they met Kevin and Robert, and some of them heard about what Canvas is and didn't freak out. Thanks God!!

-Tonight about 8 or 9 people are coming over for movie night. I'm a tiny bit nervous.

-Term ends at Easter, then students are off for 5 weeks to study and write papers until exams begin at the end of April. We're trying to plan some trips with some of our friends and definitely feeling the pressure to be everywhere all the time before a lot of people go home!

You should also know that the other day in a meeting, Natalie asked the four of us to make a list of all the students we knew between us (excluding students the big team know).

About 120.

Can someone say...God?

Happy Mum's Day

2008-03-03T01:31:00.001-08:00

I'd better buy a card now, because they won't have any come May. Happy 18th birthday, Lauren! You're legal to drink! (well, here...)

This is a picture from the Colosseum. Absolutely insane. More on that later.

Yesterday (Sunday) morning, I went for a run. I'm greedy on sunny days, soaking in as much as possible. I took a different route, braving the rows of ugly student housing units to get to a park I knew of. There, in contrast to the out-of-town or hung-over deadness of the streets, were some families and boys playing football. Life. I was beginning to doubt. Fortunately for me, the playground was unoccupied. So I took off my ipod and played on the swings.

I think swinging might be the very best time to talk to God.

I felt at home. I pumped myself up into the clouds and watched some seagulls fly nearby; I thought: I guess if seagulls are dumb enough to make it to the midwest US, they might decide to hang out in the westmidlands UK. I thought: I guess I'm on an island, aren't I. How in the world did that happen? I thought: England really is beautiful sometimes.

I meet my days with expectations. I live them peacefully. Sometimes I do nothing important at all besides wash dishes and practice music and swing at the park. And even though I have a bad habit of letting this inner dialog run sometimes that usually has to do with me focusing on my mistakes and weaknesses, I'm shutting it off today. Forget it. That is a ridiculous waste of time.

God is present in my life when He doesn't have to be. Buechner wrote: "All moments are key moments, and life itself is grace."

I would like to shift my focus today away from myself and onto the God that shows up in the cleaning and swinging to meet with me. He makes my days beautiful. I want people to know Him.

There's no humility in focus on my weaknesses, only short-sightedness. I'm reading Daniel right now, and in chapter 10 Gabriel comes to him and says: "Do not be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them."

Self-deprication is false humility. Anything that draws my attention inward and holds it there probably isn't really pleasing to God. Maybe humility is just being so in awe of God that I forget myself for awhile.

This was on my heart today. Off to class now; I'll fill you in later on more of what's being going on and, you know, the little trip to Rome. :)

It's been a word on my mind...

2008-02-15T08:54:00.000-08:00

...but I wasn't actually the one to come up with it. Transatlantic--that would be us on the left playing at the Island Bar on V-day: Tom's in the middle, and Matt.

See, Dad was afraid I'd come to England and fall in love and he'd never see his grandkids. What he didn't take into account was the fact that I'd come to England and start a band and drop out of school. Kidding on that last count, of course...tentatively... ;)

Is this insane or what?? This is all I'm doing these days! I prayed and asked for prayer that music would still be a part of my life and here it's the crux of my ministry--I just keep meeting people at these things, and I feel like I'm actually forming lifelong friendships. God knew what He was doing when He put all this together. Guys...I'm playing in a band. With really wonderful musicians. Life can't get much better, and I couldn't possibly have a better way to share the most real parts of who I am and what I've been through...what God has done in my life and who HE is...than music.

So check out jam session #2 from the Canvas House at:
myspace.com/transatlanticmusic

And continue to pray for me to be filled with the Holy Spirit as I write and speak and laugh and share life with people.

It is so significant for me to realize that God created me to be exactly who I am, very much on purpose. It's easy to let rejection and hurt (and perfectionism) crowd that out...so ridiculously easy. Thanks for being people who affirm who I am, flaws and all, and accepting me unconditionally as a part of the body of Christ. I hope I do the same for you. I hope that I can learn better and better what it means to love and respect people right where they are and, by doing so, remind them that they belong.

Speaking of flaws...I haven't been taking prayer as seriously as I want to lately. I don't really mind being honest about that; something about throwing it out to however many people makes me feel more accountable for it. So especially since you guys are so faithful in praying for me (I'm almost embarrassed by it), I really really want to be that reliable in return! Most of all, I don't ever want to diminish the importance of taking everything to God by neglecting to just do it.

That's all. :) Love you guys. (And y'all.)

2008-02-13T10:01:00.000-08:00

This is Canvas!

Patrick, Josh, Robert, Natalie, Kevin, me, Aubri, Leah

We're on the back porch of our flat about the restaurant...you can see the University a bit in the background.

Warwick Castle--

Patrick, Matt, and I

Your mother is a hampster and your father smelled of elderberries. Really.

2008-02-10T08:35:00.000-08:00

It's 4:30 pm on Sunday afternoon...and THIS is Warwick Castle, from which I have just returned. I met some really cool people at an open mic night recently that I'm getting to collaborate with (!), one of whom was a guy named Matt Burns, and he took Patrick and I today to Warwick. And now I'm at a loss trying to find words to describe the beauty of this place. Hundreds and hundreds of years of souls have walked those corridors I was in today; they stood atop the towers where I stood and their eyes took in the same land--however different it may look now. I wonder what thoughts they kept. Because, of course, people may wear chain mail or skinny trousers, they may accessorize with partlets or pocket watches or nose rings, but they each sweat and laugh out loud and fall in love and feel afraid. This pulls me forward.

I like sharing these episodes best. They aren't, of course, the daily grind, but these are the moments that inspire me and leave my heart reeling from the blow. And I want all of you to know that in between times of frustration or fatigue or loneliness I am overjoyed to be in this beautiful country, and God makes His presence known every day--sometimes, like today, He and I share the stricken silence of my mind and laugh together at the sheer scope of human nature. You and I worship an enormous, colorful God.

Back to Selly Oak life...furniture is in, sky sports and internet are up and running!, and the place is really looking cool. We keep going out most nights; I'm trying still to be patient remembering that friendships don't happen instantaneously. But they are happening!

I feel as though I've found my niche, which is the biggest blessing of all. All this has stretched me so much, and it's easy to feel sometimes as though someone else should have been here instead of me. But God orchestrated Canvas, I know it to be true, and playing music has proved to be the best way for me to get to know people. Seriously--I love it. I could do it every day for the rest of my life. And there's just no avoiding going deeper if you're going to share music; it comes from the core of who you are.

As for the actual music department at Uni, I went out with most of them Wednesday (a pub crawl). It's not a wide open door, that's for sure. But one really great girl in particular has actually reached out to me, and she invited me to go along.

All I really share with you guys are my stories, too...Patrick and Josh have other networks of friends, most of whom I've met--really awesome people, and Natalie and Robert do as well, and Kevin and Leah. So when you piece it all together, the web is actually pretty big by this point! Amazing!

And the sun has been shining like crazy. It completely transforms my attitude.

One more thing: Natalie had us little team members spend some time one morning evaluating our motivation in being here--our "pushes" and "pulls." Basically, people in our lives that have believed in us, friends that have poured into us, that we've seen come to Christ, ect. The first thing on my list was my parents' example in moving to Chicago 18 years ago, a really cold and foreign place far from home where they knew no one. And they stuck it out because God asked them to. They are amazing and I love them so much. And because of their obedience, the other biggest push on my list is the Parkview family that continues to encourage me (and me indirectly by caring for my parents). I held back tears for about a minute before they came on their own anyway.

This family is all we've got. Loving people--it's the only thing that's worth it. You all who care enough to even read these ramblings, let alone pray for me (adding to my armor)--you are amazing and I thank God for you over and over.

Glad Lady Liberty still has her head.

2008-02-02T08:38:00.000-08:00

We went with some friends to see "Cloverfield" last night. Quite a ride.

So y'all are snowed in, huh? Skyped with my family this afternoon/morning and they showed me the backyard. It looks like unredeemed Narnia.

Still very cold here, but guys, it's February! If the groundhog visits the UK, he'd see his shadow today, because the sun is actually shining. This means we've made it through a month! It's 4:43 pm and not quite dark yet. This is a serious improvement from a few weeks ago--wow.

This update is really overdue; I'm sorry about that. Still no internet in the Canvas house. The home makeover is slow, but we've got some better furniture now and sky sports, which is huge. I'll keep you posted on that.

More importantly...the core dream is being realized. We're settling into this neighborhood.

I don't even know how to talk about it, exactly. This place doesn't look a whole lot different from home, and the language is 95% the same, so it's hard to be prepared for the invisible cultural obstacle course, and you can really only take it one trick at a time. Smalltalk--casual conversation--is particularly frustrating to me. I can do it at home, chat with strangers, whatever. But here, sarcasm doesn't always translate the same way, and I STILL find myself caught off guard when someone says, "You okay?" (Which is just their way of saying "how's it going". And I start every time, thinking, "shoot...was I zoning out? do I look ill? what the heck?")

Major events definitely worth sharing:

Josh, Aubri, and I went to London last weekend! Stayed in a couple different hostels, saw Buckingham Palace, the buildings of Parliament, Big Ben, St. John's Cathedral, the London Bridge, the British Museum...definitely a whirlwind couple of days! I can't tell you how great it was to get away for the weekend and just relax, just sightsee. How many times in our life will we be back in Europe, honestly? So we packed backpacks, hopped a train and had an amazing time.

And perhaps even more exciting (probably only a few people will see it this way)--I played my first open mic on Thursday night! It's a pub called the Soak, and I'd been with friends with past 3 weeks just to see how they do things. Now that we've got a keyboard, there was no reason to wait, so I took a deep breath and jumped in. It happened to be packed that night--the most talent I'd heard there yet! It was an amazing night! All of us met so many cool people, and it felt so good to be in my niche. This is what I love, this is what I can talk to people about. And the music scene here isn't too shabby, so I'm incredibly excited to explore some more; I'll play at the Pear Monday night and the Soak again, maybe, on Thursday. Dang, I'd better write some more songs. :)

All for now, I've got to get out of the house before I go crazy. I'd love to give more specific prayer requests but want to be respectful of people, so here are a few:

-internet and the Canvas house in general. Ask God's blessing over the physical structure, that people will really sense His love and acceptance when they walk in the door.
-classes, those relationships, those challenges.
-Kevin, Leah, Natalie, and Robert ("big team"), who have been here a few months now working really, really hard to get things off the ground and meet people as well. Encouragement and energy for them.
-Patrick, Josh, Aubri, and I ("little team"), as we're figuring out our unique strengths and weaknesses, learning how to best be there for each other and spur each other on. (And Patrick's off surfing this weekend with some guys, so pray for a great weekend for him.)
-music: inspiration, continued opportunity to play, time to write. Music=soul food. It's how God wired me. And it's how I connect best with other people! (This is so exciting!!)
-words to talk about the real things in life in a way that isn't confusing or lofty.

There are a lot of different kinds of people in the world.

This really fires me up.

Sometimes I'm clumsy as I try to learn about them and as we try to connect with each other, but everything finds its source in God. He's taught me more and stretched me more already than I could put into words, and He fills in these gaps every day.

Lord, I love you so much and don't even know how to do that well, most of the time. Thank you for taking care of me and being patient with all of us who just want to get closer to that holy Love and reflect it.

Nothing clever on me today

2008-01-23T15:42:00.000-08:00

I'm in a studio composition module. This sounds much cooler than it actually is.

Actually, I'm sitting here analyzing the sounds of clanging pots and aluminum bars--electroacoustic "music," my friends. I feel like I'm in the middle of Star Wars.

This has been a great week. Thanks, as always, for praying for me, because I've felt really encouraged lately. Patrick went surfing with some University friends this weekend, and Josh, Aubri, and I hung out with different people all weekend...just genuinely had a really good time. Club on Friday night, bowling on Sunday (a really typical Americanized bowling alley--chili cheese fries and all). Sunday morning I was able to sing with Kevin and another friend from Pavilion (the church), Mark, for worship, and that, as you can all probably guess, did wonders for me.

It's why I can sit in studio composition (or the Italian opera Puccini-Berio module) and appreciate (to whatever extent) what's going on. Music aligns me with something undeniably holy in a really physical way and becomes this working metaphor for life. I shouldn't probably go into it further than that or I'll never shut up and get on to things y'all actually want to hear about...anyway, I'm really, really thankful that I got to sing on Sunday.

On to Monday. The first person I met and really got to have a conversation with here in Brum was a girl named Becca. We just had an good time talking, really got along well. Put her number in my phone--only to realize later I hadn't actually saved it. Idiot. So I've been praying I'd run into her again on campus and it hadn't happened...until Monday! Saw her in the lounge in the arts building and we got to chat for a minute. Tomorrow night we'll be at the Soak for open mic night and I'll get to meet some of her friends. Excellent!

On Monday I also jumped in on an Introduction to Christianity module, for which I am now registered. Actually took notes on things like: "the Trinity is one God manifested in three persons, the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit."

About 12 people around a table. How cool is this?? I sat and prayed like crazy for the prof as he lectured (and he taught well, very objectively, encouraging questions) and just enjoyed hearing truth spoken out loud on campus. The people in the class seem really nice, too, particularly compared to the typical melodramatic, clique-ish music students that drive me crazy and completely shut me out. About half the class are Muslims, so I'll get a chance to learn more about Islam, which is definitely exciting. I see potential for real friendship.

So Mondays 2-4 my time, 8-10 am Chicago/Nashville time--pray for this class! For the professor, for the other students, for sensitivity and wisdom on my part when it comes to taking part in any dialog.

It's the end of another dark evening, so that's about all I've got...sorry it's not wittier or more insightful. I'm coming down with a cold, too, if you don't mind lifting that up. Still obvious how God is taking care of me, though, and my attitude in general is settling into a steady, peaceful contentment as I'm trying to keep this conversation with Him continual and love Him back.

I've never been more aware before of just how much I need Him. Good thing He tends to be reliable. :)

Moved In! (home sweet curry home...)

2008-01-18T06:04:00.000-08:00

Bristol Road is the main north-south drag that runs in front of campus, where lots of shops and pubs are located. A half-mile away from the south entrance to the university is a Thai-Chinese-Indian buffet called The Royal Orchid...and above this little restaurant is a flat inhabited now by 5 Americans, which is currently being transformed into the magnificent Canvas House.

We are moved in! No longer a train/bus-ride from campus, no longer in the way of the wonderful people from our church who opened their homes to us, no longer scattered about King's Norton. This flat is the ideal hide-and-seek space. We're actually occupying 2 flats that connect, so it's basically an unending maze of narrow hallways and low doorways and many, many rooms. Closest to the street entrance up a staircase is the kitchen and piles of donated dishes; up another nearby staircase is Josh and Patrick's room and a Globalscope office. Also nearby is a front room of sorts. Down the hallway: a dining room and couple other spare rooms; up another staircase is Aubri and I's bedroom and Natalie's bedroom. Plus a few other unexpected small rooms, plus a really trashy back porch with awesome potential for being a smoking patio (smoking indoors was made illegal here in July, much to the chagrin of 75% of citizens here, so if we fix it up this could be a big draw). All of this is up above the restaurant. Sometimes the skinny double-decker buses drive by and fake you out, as you and the top bus passengers can pretty much see eye to eye. So far, no curry smells seeping through the ceiling.

Still deep cleaning and painting. Natalie's really artistic and has creative plans for fixing up the place so we can turn it into a central hang-out location. The intention is to have a game room (we're looking for a cheap or free pool table) and a cafe of sorts, with coffee going 24/7. Along the way, maybe some open mic nights, movie nights, definitely some American food extravaganzas, middle of the night breakfasts (no pancakes here, so this should be a big hit for post-clubbing!!).

Everything takes longer here, though, so we haven't had internet all week. Nat bribed our neighbors last night to let us use their wifi for awhile. :) So I'm back.

Settling into a house has worked wonders for my spirit. Through your prayers (which I always sense being lifted...it's uncanny), God has seriously refreshed me. It's so great to feel a little more permanent now, unpack the suitcases! And best of all...yesterday we bought a keyboard for the house! (And then I wrote a song.)

Pray like crazy for relationships. We're still going out all the time, meeting people. I thought it'd be easier to meet students once I started class...and I'm finding that people aren't really interested. They want to do their own thing. It's not exactly a confidence boost, especially since I'm on this campus by myself...though I do feel a really silly sense of accomplishment each time I figure something else out, like the fitness center or music library. (The latter was today. NOTHING here is centrally located!!)

The boys are much better at meeting people, playing pool or watching football or whatever it is. They're doing a really great job, so pray that those aquaintances develop into friendships. I had lunch with a really cool girl I met at an open mic recently, and she lives with 4 other girls, so that could be great, especially once we can have people over to hang out. That's pretty much all I can speak of, though. So I'm keeping at it, but it's hard.

Another really bright spot in my week: I'm singing at church on Sunday. You probably know how overjoyed this makes me. Completely ecstatic inside. Kevin Miller, one of the Globalscope team members, used to lead worship at a church on the north side of Indianapolis, so he's leading this weekend and is letting me join him. He and his wife Leah are the ones who took me yesterday to the city center to find a keyboard (and got it home by bus).

So that's where things are at right now...thank you again and again for your prayers. As I was walking here to the Arts building just now, I was struck again by the fact that it's possible for us to talk to God all day long--and how insane that is. Encouragement and power, this realm outside of ours, and we can tap into it at any time.

I read Ezekiel 37 yesterday...revisiting the creepy valley of dry bones story. God, you're the master of object lessons, but don't you think this was a little extreme? Seriously, gross! :) I love, however, what it represents. "I will put my Spirit in you and you will live." Doesn't matter if you're a corpse (and there are a lot of those walking around)--I can and will bring you back to life. I'm holding on to that, God, asking you to please, breathe life into this valley and bring all of us back to life! No place is to desolate to be revived. No person is too far gone to be saved. You always trump our expectations and turn ashes, ruins, into something beautiful, and I believe you can and want to do that here. Invade Birmingham, God.

The Shins and Shakespeare

2008-01-12T16:53:00.000-08:00

One night at an indie rock club--fun, actually, and there seems to be more unwritten codes of etiquette here when it comes to interacting with strangers. Interesting. Not really the place to meet people, but we hung out with some guys Patrick had already spent some time with.

One night at an open mic at The Soak--this is more my thing, and Aubri and I invited 3 girls we saw to join us at our table. They turned out to be incredibly cool; we chatted about an hour and a half. Really, really uplifting.

One day in Stratford-upon-Avon--Shakespeare's town! We toured his house and stood in the room where he was born! A pilgrimage of sorts for any aspiring writer...it was refreshing to take the day off and just do something on our own.

School is maddening. Everything is so lax; I've managed to piece a schedule together, but nothing's really set until the week is up, I'm guessing. I'm grasping for some structure.

Personal growth is such fun! Right...

Monday we move into our campus house. This is so huge; right now we're pretty far from campus, so it takes time and money to get anywhere, not to mention that we're in the way of the family who lives here. They've been wonderful, but it's at that point where we're all ready for some space.

It gets dark around 4 here. The rain can show up at any point during the day. The wind is pretty cold most of the time. It's really hard not to get depressed in the seemingly unending darkness! Especially without any friends here. The team's all growing closer, of course, but there is just no network yet. It's second semester, so even the first-years and exchange students know each other by now. I really feel on the fringe.

I can't really pretend to be optimistic right now; I hope that's okay. I trust in God's provision just like I trust the ground under my feet not to disappear, even though I don't feel a strong sense of His presence. Persistence. All the external sources of joy and comfort in my life are pretty much stripped away: no family or close friends, no easy keyboard access right now to write or sing, no easy gym access since we're far from campus, no pretty Nashville weather, no familiar social customs or accents, no obvious academic plan or schedule to lean on, no home to escape to.

Don't get me wrong; I'm definitely comfortably set up here...this isn't a third-world country, obviously. I just don't see a lot of joy in the world around me and I feel a real lack of it in my own heart. Am I giving God room to be that, to fill every gap in me where an artificial substitute used to be, or am I jumping online at every opportunity because I feel so lonely?

These are the sorts of questions I'm turning over in my mind.

Because if God isn't big or beautiful enough to meet these needs in me, then why the heck am I here trying to introduce others to Him?

I believe with my head that He is. You Are. Just trying to deal with this whole "being human" thing...

School has started

2008-01-09T04:40:00.000-08:00

School has begun! Students are back from holiday, and Josh, Patrick, Aubri, and I are working on getting aquainted with the systems here. (Bewildering…just a little.) Looks like I’ve got most of my schedule ironed out, but it’ll be a few more days before things are really solidified. Everything is so laid back.

It freaks me out. :)

I met a girl in the gild (student center) on Monday night—a first-year named Becca. We hit it off pretty well and exchanged contact info; she lives in a campus flat with some other girls. Please pray for her and our potential friendship! When it comes to hanging out here, people actually follow through with texts/calls…it’s hard to get used to, really, since people are so flaky about that in the States. Not only is it surprising to receive from people I meet, but my entire agenda is to initiate it.

My sole responsibility right now is to awkwardly initiate conversations with people on campus/in pubs and get invited out. Can I just be honest and admit that this scares the crap out of me? I’m a fairly assertive person and never mind public speaking, but it is so hard to walk up to someone and, from the get-go, advertise the fact that I’m an American (which doesn’t always warm British hearts, you know…) and politely butt in on their conversation. Incidentally, once I break through that first wall, people have been incredibly friendly and glad to chat…but it is so nerve-wracking.

The other part of this is that our days have been pretty exhausting, still trying to get used to everything, figure out modules and credits, figure out public transportation (or walk an hour when we don’t have correct change)…so it gets to the end of the day and I’m usually thinking…hey, wouldn’t it be wonderful to go back to the house, get a cup of tea, and watch another episode of The Office (British version, of course!)…

No way. We go to Gunny’s or The Soak or some other university hot spot and we hang out with people.

So at the end of the day, I’m spent, and it’s easy in those moments to feel incredibly discouraged and think—dang, I have the wrong personality for this. I am the wrong person for the job! I trust God to keep providing everything I need…courage, energy, positive attitude, wit ;) …and I know that He has orchestrated this, but I need lots of prayer. I really do feel the effect of prayers lifted on my behalf, and I don’t have the words to express how grateful I am.

Thank you for being in on this, for every single prayer lifted. The only thing that matters is more people seeing the love of Jesus in me and the team…the expansion of God’s kingdom. He wants His children reunited with Him. If I can let go of whatever insignificant insecurities and fears I have and just give myself to Him to use, He just might be able to accomplish part of that mission through me!

What a crazy, overwhelming privilege.

Ruby Slippers

2007-12-29T22:04:00.000-08:00

3 days until I board a plane bound for England.

The problem with something like a blog (in my analytical brain, at least) is, of course, that I journal my own story and expect others to read and care...it's just a lot of focus on me that I'm not too comfortable with. But I'm about to set off on an adventure that's sized a little too big for me, and I'd be an idiot if I didn't recognize that I'm going to need lots of prayer to face it head-on like God is giving me the opportunity to do.

So here's the plan: On January 7th, classes begin at the University of Birmingham UK, where I'll be attending. Leah, Kevin, Natalie, and Robert have been in Bham already for a couple of months getting adjusted; they are half of the team, and are settling in as missionaries to stay for a few years through a CMF organization called Globalscope. The other half of the team are students Patrick, Josh, Aubri, and myself. We will all live in a house recently secured (about 2 minutes from the university entrance) and try to figure out how to build up a campus ministry in England from scratch.

Here's what I've gathered from English friends and others who have visited/lived there: the country is overwhelmingly secular. Church is a state-run affair; citizens are born into it and consequently don't take it too seriously. Faith/religion in general is something that never comes up in polite conversation (as taboo as politics and sex for the Brits), and there is, in general, a pretty heavy spiritual depression and lack of hope for the future, particularly in my generation.

Those of you who are committing to pray for me...I am indebted to you. Thank you for taking our family ties in Christ seriously! I need you; I am not worth anything to the Kingdom of God as an isolated individual. It's only Jesus working in me and the protection and encouragement of your prayers that allows me to be an instrument that He can use, and I don't ever want to forget that. Thank you. I love you.

Here are some areas where I specifically need prayer:
-Sleep. I sometimes feel like Satan attacks through insomnia and disconcerting dreams, and I'm nervous about my ability to adjust to a completely new environment enough to sleep well when I hardly can in my bed at home.
-Safe travels. Plane from Chicago to London, train from London to Bham, all on my own.
-Class credit and direction academically once I arrive. Still a confusing process, though God has worked most of it out, amazingly enough.
-Peace for my family as they let me go.
-My heart. Homesickness, people I will miss...that I will know how to be fully present, building relationships (the sole reason I am going), while maintaining existing relationships. It's hard to say goodbye, even for only 6 months.
-Discipline in reading the Bible and sitting quietly, listening.
-Music. That somehow there would be a way for God to continue to use music in my life to speak to me and to others. That I would be able to write like I have this semester, since it frees up my soul and teaches me so much.

My big Christmas gift request for my parents this year was a pair of red Chuck Taylors. High tops, of course. (There's no explaining.) Just doing a lot of thinking these days about all the ground I'll get to walk in them...and you have to understand, I have had a crazy desire to travel my whole life, travel anywhere and everywhere. I'm thinking about what a privilege it is to trek the world on a mission to love people in the name of Jesus Christ. I'm thinking about my faith ancestors who treked in sandals, in bare feet...a long legacy of adventurers. And I'm thinking (as I often do with this whole Chi-Nash life I have going on) about the concept of home.

I didn't try to come up with some goofy metaphor on purpose or look for a moral to justify my Christmas present, I'm just following my unpredictable train of thought, and it took me here: I know where home is. I'm reading about it in Hebrews right now. Some people live in the same place their whole lives and never know home with their full being the way that this nomad does...and I want to change that. I'm thinking that maybe my ruby Chucks will help remind me to share home with the people I meet along my journey.

Because, you know, there's no place like it. ;)